I have begun, this week, a new round of CBT Counselling. The sessions' aim is to help me reduce and manage the anxiety I experience in relation to clearing my home of the accumulated clutter that has resulted from my OCD Hoarding.

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I've been lucky, I managed to find a couple of agencies willing to help my with the physical aspects of the task and my friends have the sympathy aspect covered. Now I have the emotional / psychological angle covered too, so I am hoping we can really move forward on this now.

I have made progress, but its been quite painful--and it's come with variable results. I do have carpet visible in my lounge right now! Quite a lot of it, actually. (It's blue) I can get into cupboards and such that haven't seen the light of day for years, too. Resisting the drive to classify everything I come across as either 'will come in handy' or 'sentimental attachment' is hard, though.

When we (my brave helpers and I--well them, mostly) started cleaning, I had a hard time because I couldn't disassociate myself from my belongings. After the initial euphoria of seeing space being made I then hit a point where throwing things away, emotionally and psychologically, was for me equating to throwing my actual self away. I believed that if my stuff was rubbish, so was I. I've not really gotten past that one yet, I just pushed the belief to the back of my mind and am trying to get on despite it.

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Going into the first CBT session I was anxious, filled with trepidation and tearful. I hate that I cry so much. I wasn't sure what goal I might set for the CBT work, but I knew my relationship with my 'stuff' has to change, that I need to 'let go' and also to 'lose the fear'.

My new counsellor did a very thorough job of assessing whether I will be able to cope with and perform the work the CBT will set me. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and she wanted to be sure that by taking me on as a client she wouldn't actually be making things worse for me. I suspect it was a borderline call, but we are going ahead. I know it will be tough, CBT is very much a 'short, sharp, shock' treatment. I'm up for it though, being as I am desperate to live through what's happening right now; shifting my clutter, both physical and mental, is what the hour calls for. Wish me luck, say some prayers for me. Blessed be.
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(This post was first published on my other site, 'Ramblings of a Madwoman'.