Crisis Point


This weekend I move. I am nowhere near ready for this, either physically or emotionally, but it has to be done. I have to walk away from my 'stuff' and start fresh, living a different life. I want to learn how not to clutter. I want to understand my triggers and what lies behind my anxieties. I'm doubtful that the CBT will get me there, but maybe I can go back into PCC later and work this stuff out. If I get the tools to manage my anxiety from the CBT, so I don't respond the same way to it any more, that will give me space to breathe, in every sense of the phrase. Fingers crossed and prayers said. Blessed be, one and all.

I have begun, this week, a new round of CBT Counselling. The sessions' aim is to help me reduce and manage the anxiety I experience in relation to clearing my home of the accumulated clutter that has resulted from my OCD Hoarding.

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I've been lucky, I managed to find a couple of agencies willing to help my with the physical aspects of the task and my friends have the sympathy aspect covered. Now I have the emotional / psychological angle covered too, so I am hoping we can really move forward on this now.

I have made progress, but its been quite painful--and it's come with variable results. I do have carpet visible in my lounge right now! Quite a lot of it, actually. (It's blue) I can get into cupboards and such that haven't seen the light of day for years, too. Resisting the drive to classify everything I come across as either 'will come in handy' or 'sentimental attachment' is hard, though.

When we (my brave helpers and I--well them, mostly) started cleaning, I had a hard time because I couldn't disassociate myself from my belongings. After the initial euphoria of seeing space being made I then hit a point where throwing things away, emotionally and psychologically, was for me equating to throwing my actual self away. I believed that if my stuff was rubbish, so was I. I've not really gotten past that one yet, I just pushed the belief to the back of my mind and am trying to get on despite it.

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Going into the first CBT session I was anxious, filled with trepidation and tearful. I hate that I cry so much. I wasn't sure what goal I might set for the CBT work, but I knew my relationship with my 'stuff' has to change, that I need to 'let go' and also to 'lose the fear'.

My new counsellor did a very thorough job of assessing whether I will be able to cope with and perform the work the CBT will set me. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and she wanted to be sure that by taking me on as a client she wouldn't actually be making things worse for me. I suspect it was a borderline call, but we are going ahead. I know it will be tough, CBT is very much a 'short, sharp, shock' treatment. I'm up for it though, being as I am desperate to live through what's happening right now; shifting my clutter, both physical and mental, is what the hour calls for. Wish me luck, say some prayers for me. Blessed be.
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(This post was first published on my other site, 'Ramblings of a Madwoman'.

Small Triumph!

I finally worked out how to load photos off my camera and onto here, so here are a couple to indicate my squalor rating...

I cleared out three bags full of rubbish this afternoon, showered and washed my hair and put fresh linen onto my bed. Yippee!

My lounge still looks like this though, just stirred around a bit. These are views taken from my single usable chair.

Super Soap - Dettol Antibacterial

Hi folks,

I thought I'd share a discovery with you all, in case you're in need, as I was...

My depression has been bad lately, enough so that I began letting my hygiene slip. Now, amongst my bathroom clutter was a bar of Dettol soap, which I have been avoiding because of the smell I associate with Dettol. I am delighted to announce, though, that this soap is actually really nice smelling (pleasantly citrus) as well as being antibacterial. That means you can dispose of your unwanted body odour by killing off the nasty microbes that cause it whilst not smelling like you just got de-loused. Whooohooo!

If you have a skin condition such as eczema or psoriasis you should try some Tea Tree Soap Thursday Plantation is the best, but Optima and Faith in Nature are also good brands with plenty of the active ingredient (Melaleuca Alternifolia) in them. Tea Tree Oil is also fungicidal so will help tackle nail infections and the like.

Have a lovely, fresh Christmas / Beltaine everyone! Thinking of you. xxxxx

My name is Katisha and I have OCD

It's been a while since I updated this blog. Apologies for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath. If you follow my other blogs you'll know that I have been receiving Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for the last seven months or so. In that time I have been provided with a number of 'Books on Prescription' (a terrific scheme, many thanks to my local authority, and libraries department in particular!). One of these was:

Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
by David Veale and Rob Willson.

It was brought to my attention that I have a degree of OCD by a wonderful psychiatrist whom I met through my being off work ill with depression. The above mentioned book confirmed this for me when I read the following:

"Compulsive hoarding has been defined as the acquisition and failure to discard a large number of possessions...that appear to be either useless or of limited value. These objects may be acquired by excessive or impulsive shopping, or by collecting free items such as newspapers or promotional giveaways, or objects that have been discarded by others."

(Veale and Willson, p24)

When my psychiatrist suggested I had symptoms of OCD I was unsure, as I don't have other of the classic symptoms for this disorder, but by this definition I AM, clearly, a compulsive hoarder.

Veale and Willson (p24) go on to say this:

"...the clutter resulting from this accumulation of objects also causes significant distress or a reduced ability to function. When severe, clutter may prevent cooking, cleaning, moving freely through the house, or even sleeping. It may give rise to poor sanitation and pose a risk of fire or falls..."

This too applies to my situation. I am going to write an extended version of this post on my other blog, 'Ramblings of a Mad Woman', so go take a look if you want to know more about OCD Hoarding and its treatment via CBT counselling.
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Crossfeed with another of my blogs

I've been visiting online with other Squalor Survivors and I am led to ask and answer some questions of myself which arise from working on another of my blogs, PDQ. That blog is about my quest for 'Personal Development'. I've a link there to a site that is intended to help one deal with feeling overwhelmed by stuff. These particular questions seem very pertinent to my relationship with my squalor.


* Are the goals that I have set for myself clearly defined?

I regularly don't do this. The goals I set are frequently woolly or unrealistic, especially in regard to my Squalor or my eating habits.


* Am I mismanaging my time?

I prevarocate. I distract myself. I avoid. I spend more time thinking about what I should do and plan to do than I spend actually doing it.


* Am I spending time on unimportant things?

Frequently I am. I blog, or I facebook, or I do 'nice' things instead of unpleasant or challenging things.

So part of my Quest has to be changing without criticising myself. You see, I like wasting time on that activity especially.

Squalid but not proud

The 'fresh ingredients' thing hasn't worked out yet. I did, though, clear my bathroom window ledge and have thus far maintained it.

I realised recently that my home has been in this sorry state for more than six months. I wanted a Christmas tree last year, but didn't manage to make the space for it. The baubles I bought to encourage me have sat in my lounge since then, a sad but shiny addition to the flotsam and jetsam of my life.

*sighs*

Squalor Survivors

The Squalor Surviviors Community has closed, but you can still find a lot of support here:

http://takeonestepatatime.proboards80.com/index.cgi

Depression and Endangerment

I'm very down at present. I can barely move around my home at the current time. Every step is dangerous as things lie on top of each other and slip and slide as I stand on them. I keep making 'pathways', but they clog up with crap almost as fast as I make them.

One good thing recently though is that I cleaned both my cooker hob and my sink. Now if I can only clear a worktop as well I might actually be safe to cook something. To that end, I've bought fresh ingredients twice now, but still haven't made the planned meal. The lights in my kitchen are dead and I can't get a ladder into the room to fix them safely, so that is another reason it's a treacherous room right now.

Bin bags

I currently have 14 bin bags sat on my drive. I'm waiting for a friend to come and take them to the tip for me. Inside my home are three more bags. I haven't put themn out yet. MJy neighbour was complaining about the bags I've already put out.

Things are really bad in my home at present. I am knee-deep in flotsam and jetsam and can barely get through my front door. Walking is difficult and dangerous, as is attempting to climb the stairs or to cook.

I'm pretty low today about everything.

My rubbish is breeding; I'm convinced of it !

Things are well beyond cluttered here at present. It's dragging me down.

My counsellor recently advised: "How do you eat an elephant ? A bit at a time". But I guess I'm not hungry.

I can barely get through my front door, and everywhere else has to be done in long strides and careful placement of feet. This is the worst it's been in a very long time and right now I can't seem to handle it at all.

And Christmas sucks, because everyone is busying inviting people in to share good cheer, whilst I won't even contemplate admitting my most precious beloveds.

Collyers Mansion is where I live

Collyers Mansion information was the original trigger to my attempts to battle with my Squalor. Recently I came close to seriously injuring myself because of my squalor, in a situation reminiscent of Collyers Mansion. I had trailing wires in my main room; I caught my foot in a loop and went sprawling. I landed inches away from cutting my head open on the corner of a set of drawers.

My squalor scares me, not just because of the health and safety concerns, but literally it causes me nervous anxiety. I hate living in a dump, but I struggle to change it.

Climbing back out of the gutter

Today I have been back to Squalor Survivors (see my links). This remains one of the best sites on the internet for the support of messy misses like me, I feel.

I desperately need to 'get back with the programme'. My place is currently a tip and it is bothering me. I've printed off the 'Start on the House' page from Squalor Survivors and it's going home with me... NOT to be added to the piles of papers cluttering my home, but to be read and acted upon.

Squalor has been eating my bf too. The state of his home was making his depression worse, so he has taken action. I admire him for that. We haven't talked about it much, but we have acknowledged now that it's an issue we both suffer from and that's a start.

I did clear some space (though not the whole space) in my hall recently, to try and make sure my electricals in there stay safe and don't get damaged by disappearing under any 'piles'. Piles are a problem. Piles, stacks, collections, leanings towers of 'storage'... I have lots. They come about when I try to clear the clutter and end up keeping stuff instead, in a pile. Piles look better than mounds, but they are NOT the answer to clutter !

Mysterious Odour

I've had a smell this week. It started at the weekend. I thought at first it could be me, because I've been ill and off work and in the house with the windows shut. But then I decided it wasn't me, AND it started getting worse.

You start imagining all sorts of things, like forgotten food festering somewhere. Or dead vermin. I looked (as best I could)... Nothing obvious. I looked harder (as hard as I dared)... Still nothing. The smell continued.

I kept the windows open. I burnt joss sticks. Then I burnt proper incense...and more incense. Still the smell. By which time I was getting a bit frantic.

This morning I found it. It was just that I'd put food in a bin bag that was elsewhere than in the kitchen. Bag gone, smell gone. So glad it was nothing more unbearable !

Losses

I've lost something really important. It happens a lot when you live like I do.

Yesterday morning I was in my garage at 6am looking for what is lost. I don't really have any real hope of finding it, but it's an important 'something', so I have to look. And I worry.

Mess is a lovely big stick to hurt myself with. The whole time I'm counting losses I can tell myself all sorts of negative things...

"You should keep track of important stuff !"
"You're stupid !"
"You're a slob."
"Look at the way you live ! It's not fit for a pig, even."
"You must be a pig, or worse, to be living this way."
" 'Normal people' don't have this problem."

Our own negative messages keep us trapped.

Life continues amidst the shambollic wreckage

I'm still here. Been very busy, so haven't had time to blog.

I was speaking to a friend (who has visited my home) recently. She was telling me how her other friend (who also has squalor) recently decided to move house to escape her mess. My friend reported how lovely her mate's new home is and how she had told her not to mess it up. No good telling us though.

As a side bar, this other person with squalor didn't get anything packed or sorted right up to the arrival of the movers. No wonder her new home is great, she probably left her life behind at her old address for someone else to work through.

Moving is an option I consider from time to time. But then you still have to throw out and sort out. I don't know why I can't do it. I want to do it. I try to do it. I get overwhelmed by it and stop, usually at the point where it's all become much worse rather than better because I'm only half way through the process - everything has been dragged out of hiding but nothing has gone to the bin. Then I just get more depressed and feel so much more shitty about myself (themes of self harm going on there, of course, as is uncomfortably routine for me).

Still Here

I'm alive and kicking still, but mad busy with Life and work presently. I'll get back to my various blogs shortly.

Still Here

Perfection and the Art of Self-Defence

I cleaned my bathroom today. Not a 100% job, but then I am trying to learn to cut myself some slack as regards 'perfection'. Being afraid of not doing a good enough job is a barrier to doing anything at all, and berating myself for my shortcomings is harmful to my health, so I am going to give myself a credit for doing what I did. My bathroom is currently cleaner than another (public) bathroom I loathe and regularly desire to complain about, so I did good enough for today.

Still wrecked

My lounge is still a wreck presently. Mostly it's clothes. I didn't have chance to get stuff to the laundry last week, so now it's all over the show !

My head is a bit the same way really. Now there's no surprise !